The Doctor's Gaul
by The Orginal Doctor
Summary: The Fifth Doctor and Turlough wind up in Roman France, but is it the Romans who are really in control?
1. Chapter 1

"Well, that went as well as could be expected!" said the Doctor as he and Turlough pulled themselves up from the TARDIS floor. 

Turlough looked long and hard at the Doctor. "That" he said, gritting his teeth in case he said something he shouldn't, "was the worst landing you have ever made!"

The Doctor humphed. "Well" he said, "You try landing a TARDIS after a close encounter with a black hole then!" and with that opened the doors and strode out. A second later, Turlough heard a shout. It was the Doctor.

He dashed outside to see the Doctor being besieged by a group of soldiers. Roman soldiers.

"Hang on, Doctor!" Turlough shouted and was about to enter the melee when a small person wandered up, wearing a winged helmet, a black shirt and red trousers. He stopped as he witnessed the scene and then took a small container from his belt, drank the contents, and then charged into the melee. The next thing Turlough knew there were Roman soldiers flying everywhere. He even had to duck to avoid being clobbered by one himself. As the scuffle and the dust died down, he saw the small person and the Doctor shaking hands.

"Turlough, come here" said the Doctor, "I'd like you to meet an old friend of mine. His name's Asterix"

Turlough looked at Asterix and at the Roman soldiers lying around the place. "He did that?" he asked.

"Of course I did!" said Asterix, "I may be small but I don't take no for an answer!"

"Yes" said Turlough, perplexed

"Well, do excuse me, I must carry on hunting for boars" said Asterix, "I'll tell the chief that's you're here again, I think you'll like how we've progressed since your last visit." and carried on his way, then stopped. "Oh, by the way, where's that dog of yours?"

"Somewhere else" said the Doctor, looking up at the sky

"Oh!" said Asterix, "I'm sorry to hear that" and he went into the forest.

"Doctor" asked Turlough, "How do you know him and what he did just do?"

The Doctor laughed as he headed away from the forest, "Long story, Turlough, long story!"


	2. Chapter 2

Centurion Summerbonus was thinking about higher things and snoring his head off in the process. He was so deep in thought that he failed to notice his decurion, Dieselpumpus, enter his tent and salute him. When he eventually realised that there was someone else in the tent as well, he stood up and saluted back before reclining into his seat again.

"The patrol's back" reported the decurion, "and is due for inspection!"

Summerbonus yawned, scratched himself and left his tent.

"By Jupiter" he exclaimed, looking at the patrol, "What in the name of Mars happened to you lot?"

"We were outnumbered!" replied the first soldier

"Outnumbered?" queried the second, "I don't think you can say that!"

"All I remember is a blur of red and black," said the third

"And a very small blur at that!" said the fourth

Summerbonus ripped a piece from his tent in sheer desperation and turned to his decurion. "We've been laying siege to these Gauls for years now and every time they get the better of us. I need to know why! Get me the spy division!"

"Spy division?" asked Dieselpumpus, "What spy division?"

"The entire garrison!" shouted Summerbonus, "and on the double!" 


	3. Chapter 3

"So, let me get this straight, Doctor" said Turlough as they approached a village, "You first came here in your fourth persona, made friends with this group of Gauls and decided to make them defy the Roman occupation?" 

"In a nutshell, yes!" replied the Doctor as they approached the gates.

"Halt" said the guard, "Who goes there?"

"Hello there" said the Doctor, "It's Idioitix, isn't it?"

The guard looked up and the Doctor waved. "Is that you?" asked the guard. The Doctor nodded. Idioitix fainted on the spot. "Don't worry about him, Turlough, he often does that"

As they entered the village, they heard a whistling. It was Asterix back from his hunting trip with a boar over his shoulder. He greeted the Doctor and Turlough and invited them to share the boar with him. The Doctor and Turlough agreed. Asterix then asked if his fiend could join them as well.

"I don't see why not" said the Doctor, and then whispered into Asterix's ear, "and I'll tell Turlough not to mention the f word!"

A short while later, the boar was ready and Asterix, the Doctor and Turlough were sat down ready to have their meal when they heard heavy footsteps coming nearer. The door to Asterix's hut swung open and there in the doorway stood a massive fellow with a slipped chest.

"Whoa!" said Turlough, "that guy is fat!"

"WHAT DID HE SAY?" shouted the man in the doorway

"He said, whoa, that guy is Pat" said the Doctor, trying to defuse the situation, "and you're wrong Turlough, his name is Obelix and despite outwards appearances he is merely big boned!"

"Big boned!" said Turlough under his breath as Obelix sat down, "anymore big boned he'd make a great wrestler!"

"So, how goes the rebellion then?" asked the Doctor as he cut himself a small piece of boar.

"Very well indeed, thanks," said Asterix, "we've followed your instructions to the letter and even come up with a wheeze of our own!"

"Oh?" asked the Doctor, "and what's that?"

"I'll show you" Asterix replied, "It's time for my ration anyway. Come on, Obelix, we're off to see the druid!"

"Can I have this boar for the road?" asked Obelix as he pushed it down his trousers, causing Turlough to groan.


	4. Chapter 4

"OH, GETAFIX!" shouted Asterix.

"OUCH!" came the cry from the top of an oak tree and a white bearded head popped out from behind a branch, "How many times have I told you never to shout when I am up a tree, I've gone and cut myself with my sickle!"

"Sorry" said Asterix, shamed. "Anyway, I've an old friend to see you!" and he pointed at the Doctor

"Goodness me, it's not is it?" said Getafix

The Doctor bowed, "Guilty as charged!"

Getafix made his way down to the ground and shook the Doctor's hand. "Would you like to see what we've been up to?" he asked

"Indeed" replied the Doctor, "in fact Asterix was going to tell us about it himself!"

"Then let an expert tell you" smiled Getafix and he led them all towards a small cave.

In the middle of the cave, there was a small cauldron bubbling away. "In this cauldron lies the potion that gives us our magic powers. This potion will increase the strength of whoever drinks by a thousand fold!" said Getafix, stirring the cauldron's contents.

The Doctor whistled impressively. "Not bad at all!" he said, "I suppose that the recipe is a closely guarded secret?"

"Indeed it is", said Getafix, "and may only be handed down to another druid, all I can tell you is that there is mistletoe and lobster in it! The lobster is of course optional!"

"Can I have some?" asked Obelix, as Getafix poured some of the potion into a small bowl.

"No, no, and for the umpteenth time, no!" said Getafix harshly

"Why not?" asked Turlough

"He fell into the first batch I ever made and it had a permanent effect on him. I daren't give him anymore for fear of something awful happening to him!" said Getafix handing the potion to Asterix who in turn handed it to Turlough

"You expect me to drink this?" asked Turlough. Everyone bar Obelix nodded. "But Doctor, it's got mistletoe in it and."

The Doctor turned to Turlough and stamped on his foot. Turlough screamed in pain and the Doctor poured the potion into his mouth.

"Doctor!" said Turlough, half coughing, "why did you do that?"

"Go on" said Getafix, "See what you can do for us?"

Turlough jumped up and down several times for no reason and then shot out of the cave like a rocket. All that could be seen of him was a blur as he ran through the forest at nearly the speed of sound. He stopped dead in front of a tree looking bewildered.

"Turlough" shouted the Doctor from the cave entrance, "be a good assistant and pull that tree up would you, it's blocking the view!"

Before Turlough could react, he found himself grabbing both sides of a massive oak and effortlessly pulling it out of the ground, he then rushed to another one and knocked it over with his foot. After creating a clearing in the forest around the druid's cave he picked up one of the trunks and cracked it over his knee and then ran back to the entrance of the cave.

The Doctor, Asterix and Getafix had collapsed in peals of laughter. "Well done, Getafix" said the Doctor, recovering. "I feel sorry for those Romans" Getafix said, "I really do" as he went back inside and gave Asterix a dose of the potion. 


	5. Chapter 5

"Who will go and spy on the Gauls!"

Summer bonus's question was met by nonchalant whistling, legionnaires polishing their shields, and a general air of indifference.

"Okay then" said the Centurion, "We'll play musical seats as there are so many volunteers!"

The duty trumpeter was summoned and commanded to play as Summer bonus's private guard ran around a series of seats. The music suddenly stopped and a new chant emerged, "It's Claudius Minimus! It's Claudius Minimus! It's Claudius Minimus!"

"You will earn Caesar's eternal gratitude if you spy on the Gauls" said the Centurion

"No!" replied the legionary

"I'll roast you alive if you don't" Summer bonus shouted

"In that case..." said Claudius Minimus

A few hours later Summer bonus was asked to critique Cladius's disguise. His reaction was to burst into uncontrollable laughter. "Put him in chains!" he ordered, holding his sides. He then explained his idea. The legionary was to pretend to be a Gaulish dissident and had to look the part. A detachment would march him towards the village where the Gauls lived and where, no doubt, they would rescue him. Once inside the village he was to find out how the Gauls continued to defy Rome.

"I don't understand," admitted Claudius.

"Take him away!" shouted the Centurion and with that the legionary was dragged towards the village. 


	6. Chapter 6

"Hold it!" said Asterix.

The Doctor, Turlough, Asterix and Obelix all stopped dead. Asterix and Obelix had been showing them around the area, which the Doctor instantly recognised from his last visit. "What is it?" he asked

"Wailing," replied Asterix, "and the clanking of chains!"

"A prisoner?" asked Turlough

"Could well be!" replied Asterix as he and Obelix climbed a nearby tree. The Doctor and Turlough hid behind it.

From their vantage point, Asterix and Obelix could see four Romans, one of moderate rank dragging a Gaul wrapped in chains. Asterix slid down and told the Doctor and Turlough what he had seen. "Fancy coming on a rescuing party?" he asked Turlough. Turlough hummed and hawed before agreeing mainly through the Doctor speaking for him.

Just as the patrol was coming underneath the tree, Obelix jumped and landed on the lead Roman. "Now" said Asterix and between them he and Turlough pummelled the remaining soldiers into the dust, the ranked officer fleeing into the distance. The Doctor came out of hiding and tutted at the scene of destruction as Obelix picked up the Gaulish prisoner and carried him towards their village. As he did so, he stopped as he heard someone speak. "Mi.Mi...Mission Accomplished" said one of the soldiers. As the Doctor followed the Gauls and Turlough, his mind began to whirr. He looked at the Gaul under Obelix's arm and wondered whether there was more to this Gaul than met the eye.

As the group was about to enter the village, Turlough asked what they were going to do about the prisoner's chains. "Would you have to have a go?" asked Asterix. Turlough beamed as Obelix put the Gaul on the ground. "For my next trick!" he said as he casually tore the chains into little pieces and bowed.

The Gaul seemed shaken by his experience and stammered thanks to Turlough. "And who are you?" Asterix asked. "I'm Claud...Claud...Claudiminix!" he replied, "from Lutetia!"

"Ah" said the Doctor, wandering up, "Lutetia, and how is the fair city?"

"Very well" said Claudiminix, "last time I saw it, about a year ago!"

"A year?" asked Asterix

"Yes" replied Claudiminix, "I was arrested on a field trip to Aimes and since then have been paraded around the Roman camps as a spy, something to do with being wide awake!"

Obelix laughed, "That's the Romans for you!" 


	7. Chapter 7

The group entered the village and proceeded to the chief's hut. "Tell Me," said the Doctor, "is Tonobrix still your chief?" Asterix bowed his head. "No" he replied, "he was killed in a battle shortly after you left, our new chief is Statistix. Let me introduce you first!"

"My chief" said Asterix, entering the hut, "I wish to present our village's greatest hero" and with that the Doctor entered, bowing. He looked up and saw the chief for the first time. "Goodness me" he said, "You've grown some!" On a chair at the top of a ladder sat a very rotund person. "Last time I saw you, you very only so high!" and made a gesture level with his knees.

"Indeed I have" said the Chief, "mostly outwards," he added. Claudiminix entered the hut and bowed politely as Asterix introduced him. Just then the bard appeared. "I will now sing a song of welcome"

The hut emptied as quickly as a lighting bolt, save for Turlough who waited for the bard to start to sing, then wished he hadn't as the bard's singing was awful.  
Asterix asked if Turlough and Claudiminix would like to explore the village. They agreed and their first port of call was the blacksmiths. What they saw amazed them. All three blacksmiths were working the iron in conventional ways but using unconventional methods. Their bare hands. One was hammering a sword into shape, another was working with a lump of stone to make a mould and a third was bending a long piece of iron like it was elastic.

"Watch out below" shouted a Gaul and from nowhere, lumps of wood started to fall into a nearby cart. Turlough and Claudiminix looked up and saw a man chopping a tree again with his bare hands. After a few minutes the cart was full and Asterix came up. "Take those to the dolmen, would you?" asked the woodsman. "Okay!" said Asterix and charged off carrying at least a good ton of wood behind him.

"Come along Obelix!" said another villager, this time holding up a menhir, "this side of Samedin!" Obelix arrived carrying two menhirs either side of him and placed them either side of the villager, leaving Claudiminix dumbstruck. "These are the strongest people I've ever seen," he said to Turlough who wasn't there. He looked around and saw him assisting Obelix, by crushing a rock with his bare hands. Claudiminix fainted on the spot. 


	8. Chapter 8

"Supper's ready!"

Asterix's shout brought Obelix running, closely followed by Turlough with the Doctor and Claudiminix bringing up the rear. Both were deep in conversation. As they entered the hut, they looked in amazement. In the time it had taken them to cross the village, Turlough was halfway through his boar, Asterix had just finished his and Obelix had demolished half a dozen boars. "Greedy" thought the Doctor. As they sat down, Claudiminix brought up the subject of the Gaul's strength.

"I know," said Turlough, beaming, "If I had been this strong back home, who knows what would happen" and he went outside again and starting lifting a nearby rock. The Doctor was intrigued by Turlough's statement and wondered what he meant but his attention was was diverted by Claudiminix who said "If I was as strong as you, then I could make my way back home" and he started to cry.

Asterix whispered something to Obelix and announced that they would see the druid. The Doctor took Asterix aside and advised caution stating his concerns over the Gaul, but Asterix dismissed them and led the Gaul towards the druid. The Doctor stayed behind to chastise Turlough for trying to arm wrestle the blacksmith.

A short while later, Asterix came charging back into the village shouting, "Get your magic potion!" The Doctor groaned loudly. "The fools!" he said, "they've fallen right into the trap!"

An hour later, despite the Doctor's best attempts, Claudiminix was standing by a cauldron of steaming potion with the rest of the village looking on. The druid handed Claudiminix a bowl and he drank the contents. "Vegetable Soup!" he announced, "but I don't feel any different!"

"Try lifting that rock!" the druid suggested pointing to a very large rock. Claudiminix looked at the rock in sheer disbelief, but went to pick it up and found that he could lift it, very easily. "Whoopee!" he announced and threw the rock into the air. The Doctor pointed to the rock and told Turlough to watch. "Isaac's being proven right some 1,600 years before he was!" as the rock landed on Claudiminix.

Claudiminix was rescued from under the rock as the chief arrived, followed by the bard a few seconds later. "Let the dancing commence". Turlough grabbed the Doctor. "Come on!" he said, and they took their positions one line above Asterix and Claudiminix.

"Take your places" said the bard, and started fiddling. "Step to the left and step to the right!" he commanded. The village started clapping in time to the music and even the Doctor started getting carried away. "Left row forward, right row back," continued the bard, "Mark your places; greet your partner" and each partner shook each other by the hand, the Doctor bowing for extra effect.

"Pull your partner's moustache!" was the next instruction. "Well" said the Doctor, "that's us out!" and he and Turlough stood back up again and saw Asterix pull Claudiminix's moustache clean off. "Er" Claudiminix mumbled. "A detachable moustache?"

"You're a Roman spy!" shouted Asterix. "Now do you believe me?" said the Doctor. The music suddenly stopped and Turlough made a grab for Claudiminix, but with the magic potion in him he was unstoppable and knocked Turlough to the ground along with two other Gauls and the chief. Whilst Asterix and Getafix argued about who gave him the potion, Turlough had a more worrying fact to relay. "He's kidnapped the Doctor," he said, pointing to the Doctor's hat on the ground. 


	9. Chapter 9

Claudius Minimus soon arrived back at the Roman camp where he had left, much to the surprise of the guard at the gate who challenged him, but he was bowled over by Claudius's disguise.

"Ave, Summer bonus" shouted Claudius as he screeched to a halt inside the centurion's tent and sent the Doctor flying straight into a Roman urn, knocking him unconscious, "I know the Gaul's secret, a magic potion!"

Summer bonus was ecstatic at the news and ordered him to fight Pectoralis Maximus, the camp's choice for the Olympic boxing competition trails. Pectoralis laughed as he saw Claudius approach, "Ave, Minimus", he said, trying to keep a straight face, "those who are about to die, salute you!" Thirty seconds later, Pectoralis approached the Centurion. "I'd like a broom" he lisped, "not that heavy a broom"

The Centurion was amazed and asked Claudius if he knew what the potion was made from. Claudius shook his head. The camp doctor was called and he suggested that it might be worth opening Claudius up and having a poke around inside. Claudius objected strongly to the idea and clonked the physician on the head for good measure.

"Well" said summer bonus, "You're strong all right, but how long for?"

"I've no idea," replied Claudius, picking up a nearby rock

"Keep holding that rock," said summer bonus as he clicked for his seat, "when it gets too heavy then the potion will have worn off!"

"Oh, my head!" groaned the Doctor, as he woke up, "I feel like I've gone fifteen rounds with a Cyberman". As his vision cleared, the Doctor soon realised where he was. He was inside one of the Roman camps that surrounded the village. "Mmm, Totorum, if my memory serves me right. Yes, Totorum, they use red as their colour". He tried to stand up but found his arms and legs bound together. "Darn" he thought, "and the sonic screwdriver is no good either". Then he remembered that he hadn't got it anymore and he quietly cursed the Tertiptils for destroying it back in 1660's England.

He heard a voice from outside and managed to see where it was coming from. It was coming from the Roman who had kidnapped him. He was holding up a rock which seemed to be getting too much for him and a few seconds later, it came crashing down on him and was closely followed by a very muscular looking Roman who started to use him as a sparring partner. Out of the corner of his eye, the Doctor could see the Centurion ordering someone to the tent where he was being held. The Doctor closed his eyes and feigned sleeping. A very big bearded man, carrying a weird set of implements ranging from a barrel of water with a teat on the end of a pipe to a short sword, waked him up. "Good afternoon" he said, politely, "My name is Torturous, and I'll be your torturer for today!" 


	10. Chapter 10

Back in the village, Turlough was at his wits end.

"But I've got to save the Doctor!" he said to Asterix.

"Yes" replied Asterix, "but it's not safe. The magic potion you had earlier has worn off and I can't give you any more because the druid is in the forest picking mistletoe"

Just then Pixanmix, the son of the blacksmith, came charging into the village and skidded to a halt by Asterix and Turlough.

"Getafix has been captured!" he panted, "I was catching some wild piglets and I saw some Romans carrying the druid"

Asterix and Turlough looked at each other.

"That sounds serious!" said Turlough, "Did you see where they took him?"

Pixanmix shook his head.

"I'm going to go to find him!" said Asterix and headed out of the gates.

"Not without me, you're not!" shouted Turlough and chased after him

Ater several hours of fruitless searching in the forest, Asterix and Turlough sat by the edge of a road. Their heads on their hands and looking quite forlorn.

"It's hopeless!" said Turlough, "the druid could be anywhere! I suggest we find the Doctor, he's got to be in one of the Roman camps around, hasn't he"  
Asterix was just about to answer when a song floated on the breeze.

"A dealer in oxen, I" went the song, "I'm so sad, it makes me cry, to the market, my ox and I go, who will then carry the load?"

A rather depressed person riding in a cart appeared over the hill and stopped by Asterix and Turlough and burst into tears.

Asterix stood up and patted the person on the hand.

"There, there" he said, "Don't get upset, I think I know how to deal with your problem!"

The driver stopped bawling and looked up.

"Sell your cart instead!" suggested Asterix.

"What a brilliant idea!" exclaimed the driver and hugged Asterix

"Tell me" said Asterix, recovering, "have you seen any druids being carried away by Romans?"

"No" replied the driver, "but I did see some Romans carrying away a druid! They were taking him to Totorum!"

"WHAT!" exclaimed Asterix and started to shake him trying to get the driver to take Turlough and himself to the camp

"But it's out of my way" replied the driver

"You know" said Turlough, sidling up, "I've heard that Totorum is the hub of the cart selling industry around here!"

The driver's eyes lit up. "Well in that case!" he said "you'd better lead the way" and invited Turlough and Asterix on board 


	11. Chapter 11

As the sun set over Totorum, Asterix and Turlough popped their heads out from the straw that the cart dealer was carrying.

"That was a good move to get past the sentry," said Turlough

"Yes" replied Asterix, "now we have to find the druid!"

They helped each other out and selected two likely looking tents and agreed to meet back at the cart by sunrise.

Turlough was given a very large tent with grand decorations on it. Just as he was about to have a listen inside, someone arrived and he hid behind the tent. He noticed a bit of the tent wasn't secured and so lifted it up slightly so he could hear what was happening inside.

"We must get the secret recipe for that potion that Claudius told us about" said Summer bonus, handing his deputy a cup of wine, "and when we do, we will be invincible!"

"Hasn't that person in the funny costume talked yet?" asked his deputy.

"Nope" replied Summer bonus, "in fact all he seemed to want to talk about is a game called cricket!"

"The Doctor!" thought Turlough, "he's here in the camp. But where?"

"Julius?" exclaimed Summer bonus's deputy in surprise. "You want to take over from Caesar?"

"Julius!" replied Summer bonus, "We shall get the potion recipe, march on Rome and call for the dismissal of the ruling triumvirate and become one ourselves!"

Turlough dropped the tent and sat back in amazement. "So that's their plan!" he thought, "but why kidnap the Doctor?"

"CHIEF, CHIEF!" shouted a legionary and ran into Summer bonus's tent, "We've captured a Gaul in the tent with the druid and the stranger!"

"Asterix!" thought Turlough.

Just then, the alarm was raised and every soldier in the camp headed to the tent where the druid and the Doctor were being held. Turlough, darting from tent to tent followed them and soon arrived at the tent in question just as the sun rose over the camp.

"Surrender!" shouted Summer bonus, "If not, I'll order my garrison to attack!"

For several minutes, there was a tense standoff between the Romans and the tent. Then Asterix appeared and drew his sword. The Romans responded by dropping their weapons and making a run for it. Turlough took his chance and dived into the tent behind Asterix.

"Ah, Turlough!" said the Doctor, "I was just talking about you!"

"I toss my weapon at your feet!" said Asterix from outside, "as Vercingetorix tossed his weapons at Caesar's feet!

"And let me tell you, " said the Doctor, "that hurt Caesar!"

"Why?" asked Turlough

"Caesar was wearing sandals at the time!" the Doctor replied

A few moments later, Asterix arrived in the tent bound in chains. Turlough tried to help but Asterix was right, the effects of the potion had worn off ages ago.

"Into the lion's den, eh?" said Turlough 


End file.
